October 2006

The month started taking my father to the funeral of a friend of his mother's. In contrast to Mum's do back in June, this was a painfully small affair. Half a dozen people rattled around in the chapel and made the best of being sociable huddling in the corner of a pub for a bite to eat afterwards.

4 months on from my mothers death and I'm finding it harder than ever. There's a gaping hole in my life that sometimes I fall into. I find myself on a short fuse that, once lit, is very hard to extinguish. Poor Mark has been on the receiving end of some quite irrational outbursts. I think it's about time I had a conversation with Mum, but of course, she's not here and never will be again... a sobering feeling. I know the theory that she lives on in my heart, that I can contact here in the silence of my being... but right now, that's a hard place for me to reach and I don't trust it anyway... I just want her here to talk with, to encourage me, to be proud of me, to share with, to laugh with and to hug...

A strange thing happened... I went on holiday. Yes, really, on holiday... a package holiday no less!!!! Taking Mum's place, I accompanied Pop to Lanzarote, with my brother (Simon), his wife (Sara) and daughter (Charlotte). Once over the shock of reserving sun loungers by the pool and being catered for day and night, I settled down on the veranda with Sudoku puzzles and watched the world go by. It was a most welcome, physical rest, but by the time I came home, my soul was in need of the TLC I get from the farm. I missed the animals (and the smell of them!), the green of the fields and the softness of the land, the cockerels chorus in the mornings and the hustle and bustle of our daily lives here. Stepping into the mud on my return was a blissful reminder of HOME in the biggest sense of the word for me.

The Sausage Sizzle exceeded all our expectations. We had many more visitors that we could have hoped for, no doubt encouraged by the glorious weather. It was a real community day with everyone connected with the farm finding their own way to be involved and the visitors catching the spirit as Mark showed them round, introduced them to the animals and answered questions about our methodology and ethos. The only ones not to play ball were the cows. Mr Parrot, our bull, kept his girls and the calves in the far corner of the field. As the last visitors drove away, he brought them to the water trough right by the gate. Who was it who said, "don't work with children or animals"...

This month saw the return of Ed & Jess, two amazing young WWOOFers with great ideas and enthusiasm and of whom we are very fond. They got stuck into digging the ditch and drainage channel in the farmyard and, whilst it's been wet, we are awaiting a torrential downpour (which will come!) to really test it. For now, what it looks like is that the puddle that used to form in the farmyard, rather inconveniently outside our neighbours gate, will now drain away and leave the track relatively clear. That should ease neighbourly tensions and enable gates to be closed so that chickens and dog are more likely to stay on the farm. A good job all round

As I write at the end of this month, I'm immensely frustrated to report that we have again missed the sales target, in spite of some incredibly ingenious marketing, the mightily popular Sausage Sizzle and the arrival of Mark the butcher. Back to the calculator. Never was very good at maths