May 2006

Life just keeps going on in spite of everything and sometimes it feels like there's a programme that I just don't have any control over... it's just going to happen no matter what I do... if I join in, that's fine, if I fight or resist it's not going to change a thing, if I lie down it will just mow me over... well, that sums up this month.

My all encompassing journey has been with my mother and father. Mark and our friends have been managing the farm. I have kept my appointments with, sausage making, markets and classes but other than that have been mostly in London and have abandoned any other projects. My mother has not proved well enough for any treatment from the hospital and has been getting yellow-er and less able as each day passes by. A proceedure to put a stent in the liver, a necessary precursor to chemotherapy has been unsuccessful. We, me and my brother and sisters, have been working round the clock to help Dad care for the love of his life whilst managing our own lives and trying to research the alternative paths available to Mum. She's just done some emotional release therapy which she really wanted to do with a Brandon Bayes therapist (www.thejourney.co.uk) ... a series of amazingly synchronous events has led us to the ownership of a juicer and links to some very good Cancer Care specialists (www.cancercare.co.uk). She has an even more healthy dietary regime including lots of fresh, organic juices, nutritional supplements which support liver function and has declared that although the doctors think she's going to die, she's going to prove them wrong!

Well, who am I to argue with that... however... what I see before me is a shadow of my Mum - a lady who is tired, and very ill, and a mountain she needs to climb but no energy with which to do it. I'm the first to stand in her corner and cheer her on, but as I see it today, I am witnessing the death of my mother and that's a very sad and hard thing for me to admit to.

We have had the blessing of a family gathering where everyone, including my mother, got together to celebrate the naming of Jenson, the youngest grandchild. A lovely day but one full of poignancy for everyone.

As spring really does get underway on the farm, Mark and helpers prepared the fields and fencing in readiness for cows being turned out as soon as the grass begins to grow. We spent many a morning whilst the ground was still soft, pulling docks. More chickens hatched and the first of our turkey chicks made themselves known... beautiful little black fluffy balls (and very smelly!).

Unfortunately, Myfanwy (the one who had staggers a few months ago) lost her calf. We had our TB test (clear again). He had a bit of a wobbly moment whilst the vet was there and seemed to be struggling with a magnesium deficiency just like his mum had done. One morning he just collapsed in the yard and died. We are getting some soil testing done to see if there is a link between our land/forage and the problems (albeit few) that we've had this year with calving.

We had another visit from the Planning Officer at North Wiltshire District Council. Apparently there's been a complaint about what we're doing here. Well, I guess if people are hassling us, they're leaving someone else alone (if reading aloud, tone of resignation here).

In a car park in Toothill I was approached by a man offering me a box for the boot of the shogun. One of those plastic moulded things that helps keep the car clean... what a gift out of the goodness of his heart. He wanted nothing in return and was so happy to see it in use again. I took him round some home made sausages.

Another connection led us to a barn full of old potatoes for our pigs - they are the happiest (and fullest) little things on the planet right now. Restores one's faith in humankind these things.

And finally, Emily and Dale flew off into the sunset to spend the next 5 months working in Ibiza!