June 2006

So, how to talk about this month...

Mum died peacefully in her bed with her family around her on 6th June. If a passing can be described as beautiful, hers was. Although my siblings and I live around the country, she had managed to call us all to her bedside. We had said all there was to say and she passed gracefully in the evening, in a candlelit room, just breathing her last breath with great gentleness.

Over 150 people packed the crematorium and came to tea afterwards... right now all this talk of celebrating her life (or any aspect of life) is nonsense to me. She was a good woman who wanted what was best for others, she worked for peace, cared for those around her, lived "organically and homoeopathically"... it's all just plain WRONG! I struggle to see the blessing that she didn't suffer. 5½ weeks from diagnosis to death is rapid and she needed no painkillers until the penultimate day... but if another person tries to make me better by saying this, I'll knock them flat!

So this month I have swung wildly from being numb and detached, to feeling "OK", to bursting into tears for no apparent reason. I am also somewhat shocked by the impact it has had on me. Although I love my mother dearly, as a grown woman in the world with my own life, family, business and "independence", it was delightful to see her and my father once a quarter or so and talk on the phone in between times but I would not have defined her as a "need" in my life, so I find myself now with a hole that cannot be filled and a distinct lack of tolerance and a short fuse, low energy and inability to juggle all the balls or move through my days as quickly as I used to. I'm not making this wrong you understand, I'm just surprised by it!

I have been running a course entitled "Fullfilling Your Potential As A Woman" for the WEA in Swindon this term. It is a blessing to be able to share the relationship with my mum and her illness and passing with them. To be in the presence of women, honouring, sharing and nurturing at this time is a gift I treasure.

As always, the farm goes on... by-passing Spring, we seem to have gone straight to summer. The cows are all out, Pattie had her calf - we named her Solstice (guess when she was born!).

Prudence brought the new batch of piglets. We put them straight out into the paddock, thinking they would enjoy grass and space to romp... 9 piglets set off in 9 different directions through the fencing and off around the farm! All hands on deck recovered them over the next hour... we found the last one hiding in the long grass in the ditch behind their house.

Emma brought her sheep. 5 beautiful Cotswold sheep with lovely long locks. We've got rather too much grass for them, but they are doing a valient job and are very settled. We hope to work with Emma to bring you Cotswold lamb and handspun wool in due course.

So... that's June... I wonder what I'll be writing about next month? !!